‘What if …..?’ The frequently asked questions about children and child arrangements when parents separate or divorce

When parents separate or divorce, there are often many questions about the impact of this when it comes to their children and the arrangements for them. Helen Waite addresses some of those FAQs below.

What if I want to change our child’s surname?

You will need to try and agree this with the other parent, assuming they have parental responsibility, as legally you should not change your child’s surname without their consent or an order of the court. If it isn’t possible to contact the other parent or obtain their consent, you could apply to the court for a specific issue order. The older the child that wants to change their name, the more weight the court is likely to place on the wishes and feelings of that child.

What if I want to change my child’s school?

If both parent’s have parental responsibility, then it should be a joint decision however it is not unusual for parents to have different views. When you are separated it can be harder to discuss those and come to an agreement.

If there isn’t agreement, it’s sensible for the parent who is wanting to change the school to set out why and to produce details of alternative schools and why they are better suited to the child.

Mediators can help both parents express their views and listen to others in a constructive way. Depending on the age of the child, they may also have a view on the school they want to attend and could be involved in the mediation process if using a suitably qualified mediator.

If mediation isn’t appropriate, then the collaborative approach can be considered, meaning that both parents have a solicitor present and all discussions take place face to face. The solicitors work together to try and help you find a solution.

If both parties believe a different school is best for their child, then it may be that an application needs to be made to the court. The court will make a decision and specific issue order, with their first concern being what is in the best interests of the child. However, it is always better to try and reach an agreement, particularly considering the cost (emotional and financial) of court proceedings as well as delays in the court process.

Another option is arbitration. Arbitration is a privately funded and, if anyone agrees, can happen in a much quicker timeframe. The arbitrator will make a decision in the same way as a judge, but outside of the court process.

What if I want to take my child abroad?

If both parents have parental responsibility, then the parent who is not travelling would need to give their consent. It is always sensible to get that in writing (e.g. an email). Countries such as America and Canada require affidavits/signed documentation from the parent not travelling.

It is a criminal offence to take a chid out of the jurisdiction of England and Wales without the consent of all those who have parental responsibility – the parent who hasn’t given consent can allege child abduction.

If you are planning to take your child to another country on a short holiday, it would normally be very difficult for the other parent to justifiably withhold their consent. If they did so, you could make an application to the court. The court would take a dim view of a parent withholding their consent and preventing the child having a holiday with their parent without a justified reason. However, in some circumstances the court may consider it not to be in the child’s best interests, for example if the parent was proposing travelling to a country that was considered unsafe, if the holiday was during term time, or if the parent had ties to that country and there was a genuine concern that they may not return the child.

What if I am concerned about the other parents’ mental health?

This is a difficult and delicate concern to navigate. Many separated parents do not have regular interactions with one another, and so may not always be immediately aware of a deterioration in the other parent’s mental health.

If it is possible to raise any concerns about the parent with them directly you can try and discuss those to see whether the parent has any support in place. However, in situations where their mental health has rapidly deteriorated, it may be that you need to take action more quickly.

It is always important that you act in the best interests of the children. If you are concerned that the other parent’s mental health will impact on the emotional or physical safety of the children, it could be appropriate to stop direct contact. In this instance, it would be advisable to make an urgent application to the court for a prohibited steps order to prevent the other parent from collecting the children without those concerns being dealt with.

As part of the court process you can ask for medical evidence and further information as to what help the other parent is receiving. You can put in place supervised contact, so that the children can continue to spend time with the other parent in a safe environment and/or it may help the parent to have support from a third party during time with the children. This is usually a short term arrangement to allow the other parent to seek help and support and to ensure the children are not placed at risk of harm.

What if the other parent doesn’t accept our child is Neurodivergent?

There is still a lot of misinformation about neurodiversity. Even though it is much better understood than it was 10 years ago, some people still find it very difficult to accept that their child is Neurodivergent. The process of obtaining an assessment and then diagnosis is also currently taking anywhere between 2-3 years, if not privately funded.

The main concern for both parents should be what is in the best interests of the child. The benefit to understanding your child is Neurodivergent, is being able to approach parenting in a way that is going to work with that child.

If one parent will not agree to consider neurodiversity, the other parent with parental responsibility can still do so. They can make or progress any referral for assessment, they can invite the other parent to join them at meetings and appointments, or simply ensure they forward all documentation to the parent who is reluctant to engage.

If you are the parent who does not consider your child is Neurodivergent, it is better to engage in the process so that you can set out why this is the case and to be able to have those discussions with medical professionals and listen to their views.

Mediation and/or the collaborative process could help both parents as it would allow direct discussions between parents and potentially a better understanding of each other’s point of view.

What if my child doesn’t want to spend time with the other parent?

The first question you consider should be ‘why?’, especially if they have previously enjoyed a good relationship. If you can ascertain that, you may be able to discuss it with the other parent, either directly or via mediation for example.

Depending on the reasons, it may be that the other parent needs to hear what the concerns are to be able to address them. Sometimes it can be helpful to attend parenting courses or other specific courses tailored to the child and their needs.

Depending on the child’s age, it may be appropriate for them to be involved in the mediation process, giving the child a voice and opportunity to express their own views. Alternatively, family therapy could be considered dependant on the ages of the children.

If the reasons the child/children are serious and a matter of emotional or physical safety, then it may not be possible to address the issues with the other parent directly or via an alternative approach, and the involvement of the court may be necessary.

If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to contact us.